For me, I had yet to experience true anger over the death of my baby girl. Every person goes through different "stages" of grief. It took me by surprise really and I let it take over my life very quickly. I found myself getting sucked in to that hole despite my efforts to avoid it. When you've lost a child, your world can become a black hole that sucks you in and may not release you. When you have lost a cherished loved one, it can become very dim. When you have suffered a loss, your world can become sad at times. The last one is the one I make every day.
Some out of habit, like what to eat for breakfast, some on the spur of the moment, like taking off for a day trip to the lake and then there are the choices that are made with a conscious decision. Sometimes this ride really sucks.Įvery day we are given choices. Of course a little while in a sound proof room screaming my head off might help too. I'm not a big drinker, but once in a while, it seems to hit the spot. It's like I'm on that ladder trying to climb out of the black hole, but I almost want to just let go and fall backwards and let it suck me right in. However, I have no feeling on the back of my head, I am very limited with movement of my head and neck, my memory still sucks, I am getting headaches again and to top it all off, I lost my job because of it and now my health insurance too. Hell, I'm walking now instead of riding in a wheelchair. Top that with a brain that doesn't work properly and it can be a disaster. The mind of a mother who has lost a child is of abnormal function. I'm trying really hard to stay positive and keep moving forward, but it's draining me right now. I feel worse off at times than I did last year right after she died. I think about all I went through this year with my brain surgery only one year after losing my sweet little girl and it just kills me to see where I am at right now. All this just adds to my downward slope ride. I swear sometimes if it's not right in front of me, I can't remember anything. Last night I sat home and had dinner and watched TV, completely forgetting about the meeting. Talked about it all day on Sunday with people that were going. For a week now I knew about a meeting I wanted to attend. Went to do it again and forgot all over again. Id finish and put down the computer only to remember a few minutes later that I forgot to look up the eye doctor. Tonight I went to call the eye doctor three times, and as soon as I picked up the laptop to look up their number, I forgot what I was doing and went onto something else. I will be sitting here and think of something I need to do, whether it be a phone call or looking something up on the computer, but as soon as I move to do it, I completely forget what I was about to do. I make plans or say I'll do something or be somewhere, and then when the time comes, I have no memory of it.
My memory is still really bad which makes things difficult too. I have so many ideas and so many things I really want to do, but I can't seem to find the energy. So I came here in hopes that "letting it out" will help. There are days I just want to be pissed off at the world. I still try to be happy even if I am faking it, but it gets tiring sometimes. The problem is I sometimes feel like I don't have the energy to even try to make my way out. It's so easy for me to let myself slide down the slippery slope. It wants to suck me back into the black hole I've been struggling to make my way out of. I take a movement forward and then it seems like I am being sucked back further than I was to begin with.
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